Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”
The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”
The last man said, "I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!”

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Crimes and Misdemeanors
A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”